Sunday, September 22, 2013

Guest Blogger: Tom Conrad

Please welcome author Tom Conrad, who bravely answered my infamous Rick Reed questions, and is going to talk about his newest release, That Coxom and Blondage Affair.

The Questions
1: You’re marooned on a small island with one person and one item of your choice—who is that person and what item do you have?

Christina Hendricks and the key to the handcuffs she’s wearing.

2: Which musical would you say best exemplifies your life – and which character in that musical are you?

Man of La Mancha. I’d be Don Quixote, always charging headlong at windmills.

3: Take these three words and give me a 100 word scene using them:  captain, sausage, and ridge.

All Tom Conrad wanted to do was get people to read his damn ebooks (available on Amazon/Kindle), and now this lady - a lovely lady at that - was asking him to insert words like sausage and ridge into a sentence.

“Oh Captain, my Captain, what do I need to do to sell these damn ebooks?” Tom Conrad suddenly thought, rather obscurely picturing that film with Robin Williams in it, and all those sensitive young boys standing on tables and committing suicide. Hm, Tom Conrad further mused, I’ve just used them all, haven’t I? Yes. Yes, I have!

4: You’ve just been let loose in the world of fiction, with permission to do anyone you want. Who do you fuck first and why?

Ha. I love the expression “do”. I would do Lady Galadriel from the Lord of the Rings books: her beauty is legendary and I like older women. Admittedly, I think she’s 3,000 years old, but just think about all the “experience” she has. Of course, we’d be making love, not fucking ;)

5: What is your idea of how to spend romantic time with your significant other?

I’m single, having just come out of a short-lived relationship, though we kind of termed it as “dating” throughout. My ideal scenario would be listening to our favorite music: sharing our favorite songs, drinking wine and “doing one another” on the floor, bed… or in a big bath tub. Actually, taking a bath together (whilst listening to music) would be my ideal date.

6: When you start a new story, do you begin with a character, or a plot?

It’s very much differed with each of my works.

With my debut novel, Rich Pickings for Ravens (a humorous mystery/romance) I started with the character, Midnight Merlot. The idea for the character was central. We follow Midnight as he tries to remember how he ended up dead and also why none of his ex-girlfriends have attended his humanist funeral.

In my latest novel, That Coxom & Blondage Affair (bawdy rom-com) it was the plot that came first, i.e. I wanted to write about Internet dating and bubbling in my head I had an idea for a slight Fifty Shades parody.

7: If they were to make the story of your life into a movie, who should play you?

Christina Hendricks: I’ve always wondered how I’d look with massive boobs?!

8: Who’s your favorite horror villain and why?

The shark in Jaws (unnamed). They really should’ve gotten a bigger boat.

Actually, I’m a big fan of a lot of American TV. I love Breaking Bad, Dexter and appreciate the brilliance of Thomas Harris (novels and movie adaptations): Hannibal is probably the best and most chilling villain ever created.

9: Do you have an historical crush and if so, who is it?

I fantasize about one of my old sociology tutors a fair bit - don’t roll your eyes at me, I could’ve said history tutors ;)

10: Is there a story that you’d like to tell but you think the world isn’t ready to receive it?

I’ve several alternative dating books I want to release as soon as possible. I’m not sure how they’ll be received but I hope it will shake the world up a bit, along with “hopefully” getting some pulses racing. All in all, I’ve quite a few pies in the oven, so I’m optimistic I’ll get them out and people will actually read and feast on them. At the moment I’ve eight titles on Amazon/Kindle: two full-length novels and a collection of shorter works. It’d be great if people checked them out and gave them a try.

Anyway, big THANKS to everyone who read this far and of course thank you to Julie for some grand questions.

Please read the excerpt below and most importantly go and BUY my books. They’re a good read, honest!

An excerpt from Chapter Six of That Coxom & Blondage Affair:

Beatrice barely paid any mind to Dan’s unruly grammar, only a split second spent furrowing her brow at his apparent confusion over commas and exclamation marks. Instead, she focused on the three main pictures of Dan: three holiday snaps displayed on his public profile, and each one of them showing his cheeky/shameless face. Indeed, in one photo, taken in Thailand’s Tiger Temple, Dan crouched down beside a dirty orange, worn-out looking tiger. Unfortunately, the big cat (usually a majestic and fearsome beast) had been doped up to the eyeballs, and thus had been temporarily unable to claw or maul the grinning Dan; not even as Dan held his thumb up to the camera like a grinning idiot. Obviously, if the poor tiger hadn’t have been so heavily sedated perhaps Beatrice would have been spared the ordeal of receiving regular photos of Dan’s junk.

Not that Beatrice truly minded looking at a cock pic, after all she loved to get her hands and mouth on a fulsome member. The problem was... well, Dan’s member was somewhat ugly. Not small, pencil thin or puckered, just rather unappealing. What’s more, despite its lack of a pleasing aesthetic, Dan truly seemed compelled to send photos of his tackle on a regular basis. The first picture he’d sent on Monday. It’d clearly been taken in Dan’s bedroom; a small box-room with an England flag plastered on the wall. Beatrice hadn’t replied to that one, but a second photo; taken in a grimy looking bathroom soon followed all the same. This latest offering, of Dan’s pride and joy poking out the top of his briefs, displayed yet another fresh angle of his slimy and jaundice looking manmeat.

Thanks, Daniel, Beatrice only thought to herself, swiftly deleting the message from her inbox.

Message three: another guy seemingly wanting to send photos.

Profile: Tweacle Tel

Tagline: Looking for a relationship... honest!


Born. Wrote many an ebook (continually delighted people actually read them)... Not dead yet!

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