My Life After Death, or Memoir of a Bloodsucker
Part XXVI - How I Spent My Summer Vacation
by Vlad, Count Dracula
June 21 - First day of summer, thought for a treat I would get out of Carpathians, enjoy a little cooler clime for a change. Travel agent in Buda-Pesth recommended London, promised nice chilly fogs and little sun. Sounded perfect. He helped me rent a place for the summer, something a little like home so I no feel so homesick all the time. How was I to know he book me a house next door to an insane asylum! How crazy is that? I shall try to make best of situation. Let no man say that Count Dracula is not nice neighbor! Er, Count Deville. I forget I am using other name. Note to self: do not say Dracula. Remove all mirrors from the Abbey.
June 22 - Thought I would make neighbors little gift, have old Transylvanian brownie recipe from Grandmama. Damn, out of sugar, so I ran next door to borrow a cup. Met the head of the asylum, his name is Jack Seward - personally, I think he is on drugs. Glazed look in his eyes. Needle tracks on his arms dead givaway. Babbled something about divine retribution, so I take my sugar and make polite get-away. Met one of the inmates, name of Renfield, seemed more sane than Seward. Interesting. Note to self: Find nice book for Renfield.
June 29 - Have kept to myself all week, but I get feeling am being watched by Seward. I think he has telescope, maybe binoculars. Perhaps should talk to police, in case he decide to go after little girls. Maybe I should start neighborhood watch. Just a thought.
July 4 - Just when you think you get over girl, she finds you, isn't that always the way? World is too little, I think, she find me here. Oh Mina, just when I learn to live without you, here you are. And with snot-nosed young man. I ran into them on the street, was walking my wolf. I thought Harker (young snotty) was about to make piddle in his pants. Coward. Wolf is nice, not bite. (Unless I tell him to. Might make exception for Harker). Mina as beautiful as ever. O cruel world, why you do this to me? Not nice. What is a count to do?
July 7 - Mina has friend, name Lucy, she tried to set us up. Lucy is wild woman, not a virgin, for sure. Talks about many men - I laughed when I heard her mention Seward. Also American cowboy, and English lord. They will have to bury that one in y-shaped coffin, I think. Still, wouldn't hurt to have a drink. Show Mina that I am over her (even if I am not).
July 10 - First date with Lucy. I tried to take her to nice restaurant, but she wanted to walk in cemetery instead - strange girl. From the cliffs we watched a ship run aground - all hands lost. Wolf got excited, tried to help. Local yokels chased him away. What do they know? Rumours are starting, and I hear my name mentioned? What is this? Cannot be in two places at once. Seriously, whole village needs to take a chill pill.
July 17 - I meet Seward while walking wolf on Abbey grounds, he warns me stay away from Lucy. Then Harker tells me same thing about Mina. Fat chance, little men. I no listen to you, I am Dracula... er, I mean DeVille. I suggest you stick it where sun no shine.
July 23 - I decide to do neighborly thing, throw a party for neighbors and other guests. Mina, Lucy, Seward, Harker, Godolming, and Quincy the Cowboy all are there. Harker upset when Mina pet wolf - she very loving girl, you know, and wolf not mind. He accuse me of disgusting things, tell everyone I not normal, I am unnatural creature. I laugh at him, he such fool. If he not careful, he lose her - to me. I can live with that.
July 30 - I was watching the sunset when strange man come walking into my abbey, staring at me like he know me. Turn out to be friend of Seward, his name Van Helsing. Very odd old man. Squinky eye. Holding a stake in one hand, garlic in the other. I ask did he want to cook something, but he no answer. Began to laugh, asked me where my brides are, he has something for them. I tell him I no married, he just laugh louder. Crazy bastard. I told him go home, he left, said he'd be back. Can't wait.
August 8 - I am now dating Mina behind Harker's back - what he don't know won't hurt me. She is lovely, like new moon - dark and mysterious. Lips like fine wine. I kiss her lips, she kiss mine, and other things. Our evenings are full of our new love - maybe this time she stay with me. At least I hope so. If she go back to Fishface, I kill him.
August 15 - While Mina and I were in bedroom, they come bursting in, without knocking, how very vile. I just make blood pledge to my Mina, betrothe her to me - their timing stinks, to say least. They take my lovely Mina away from me, even though she crying for me, say she love me. I hate this place now, I go home. At least in Transylvania, they have better manners.
August 17 - What the hell? They follow me now? What is their problem? I only want to go home, take ship, over water. I feel them, in hot pursuit. Mina is with them. Is she guiding them or is she coming to me? So confused. I would sink their ship but that would hurt Mina, and that I cannot do.
August 21 - I reach land at last. Seasick for most of journey, so spend my time sleeping in bed I design myself - like little box, it lets in no sunlight. Ingenious, eh? My gypsies wait for me with wagon. On to the castle now. I am weary, and my heart is sore. I miss my Mina greatly. I call to her in dreams - I think she hears me. Our love, it is real. Foolish men.
August 23 - Wagon need better shocks, is very uncomfortable. Spend most of my time sleeping again, motion sickness getting worse. But every jolt take me closer to home. I think they are behind me still. Sometimes I hear strange music at night. One of gypsies tell me is Brokeback Mountain. I've never been there, maybe next summer.
August 26 - The castle is in sight at last, we almost there. I will be so glad to sleep in real bed with clean sheets. This travel is not for everyone I think. Oh damn, I hear horses. Are they really still there? Why? Mina, do you still love me? Come to me, my love, come to me. Oh yes, here you are, I hold you, I have you, let us fly to the castle, let us fly... what is that in your hand, my darling? Oh crap...
- She stake me, like wild animal, in gut, even though she cry and tell me she love me. Thank you, Mina, for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. Take your men and go. Van Helsing - no one else tell you, I tell you - lay off garlic, your breath is horrible. I think I sleep now. Renfield has come, he will take care of me.
I think next summer I will try that Brokeback Mountain. It has to be more fun than England.
I hope you enjoyed this! Next week, I'll post the Brokeback Mountain vacation!
Until next time, take care!