Where's a Crystal Ball when you need one?

There's an old Styx song called Crystal Ball, from an album by the same name.

I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me
Or am I even in it's mind at all
Perhaps I'll get a chance to look ahead and see
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball

Tell me, tell me where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
Tell me, tell me, won't you tell me
And then tell me again

Wouldn't it be awesome to have such a device that could look into the future, so you'd know why the things that are happening today are happening? I definitely feel that everything happens for a reason. The trouble is that we don't always know that reason, and it's hard to understand why what appears to be a calamitous misfortune today is actually for the best. If we could peer into the future and see why it needs to happen, it would be easier to take.

But we can't.

That's where faith comes in. Faith in yourself, in a higher power (by whatever name you wish to call it), faith in those you love, faith in the path you walk. They say that faith can move mountains. I believe that's true.

It's been a rocky couple of years, I admit, since I was unjustly fired by my brother, but I'm still here, I'm still going, and I certainly haven't given up. I believe that what happened was for the best, although it was painful. Do I wish bad things to happen to my brother? Honestly, sometimes I do. I'm no saint. I get angry with him and wish him to be visited by all manners of troubles because of what he did. Not that I've seen or talked to him since. Or any other member of my family, other than my children. Well, four of my children. The fifth is closer to the others than I am. So be it. I have four children that love and support me. I am indeed blessed.

Would I ever do anything to  harm my unjust brother? In the name of vengeance or divine retribution or anything else? No, I wouldn't. That isn't for me to do. That belongs to someone else. I remember telling my first husband, who was an abusive alcoholic, that someday he would get what was coming to him but it wouldn't be from me. And he did - he got into an argument with the next door neighbor and was shot and killed. It doesn't get more serious than that.

I have enough to do keeping myself on course without worrying about people who aren't even part of my life any more. I am too busy being thankful for what I do have to worry about what I don't have. I don't have a perfect life, but who does? I have a good life, with good people in it. My kids, my friends, the people that I've met thanks to the Internet. My characters. Yes, they're a big part of my life too, and they are very real to me. 

Whenever I think that I don't live in a great house, I stop and remember there are people who would love to live in my house, eat what I eat, because they have far less. I am grateful for what I have, and for the life I lead. And for my ability to write, which is a blessing.

Still, it would be helpful to have that crystal ball, so I could see how the story will play out, so I will know that better times are coming. Alas, I don't have it, so I have to have faith. I think I understand why I'm still in the house I've lived in for the past thirty-five years - if I'd gotten a new, better  house, with a bigger mortgage payment, I'd have lost it when I became unemployed. Only my ridiculously low mortgage has helped to keep me afloat. And the generosity of some of the people in my life. For what I pay on my house, I couldn't even rent a garage, so I am grateful for that. And someday, I feel that I will be able to move to another house, maybe another area. That remains to be seen. It would be nice to experience life somewhere else. On the other hand, there's a lot to be said for familiarity.

I'm thankful for my four children and my two cats. Grateful to be in reasonably good health - there are people far worse off, who cannot do the things that I do. I can get around when I choose, drive my car - walk on my own power, see what there is to see, listen to wonderful music. Many cannot. I look at the world around me and think it's a beautiful place.

So, with or without that crystal ball, I'm moving forward, taking each day as it comes. I'm heading to the future, and it's going to be a good one! Thank you to everyone who is making the journey with me, may all our paths be happy ones.

Until next time, take care!

♥ Julie

Always Darkest Just before the Dawn

I almost decided not to blog today because frankly I wasn't in a very good place. Last night I received a rejection on a Christmas story I subbed to my publisher. Not because it wasn't good, but because it was published last year with Wicked Nights, and it was substantially the same story as it was then. Naturally. I made a few changes, nothing drastic. I feel like I've been penalized for something that was beyond my control - Wicked Night going from a publisher to a coop, and then removing all my stories from the site, leaving them in limbo. I got the rights back, but apparently that's not good enough. Needless to say I was devastated. Not only aren't I being paid for whatever I sold through WN this year (the publisher has yet to pay me for 1st or 2nd quarters) but now I can't sell it to someone else and make some income from it? Where's the justice?

Add to that a lawn mower that won't work, slow plumbing, and other maintenance issues, no work, and bill collectors who offer to make my life easier for $500 a month - well, I was not very happy.

But I spent some time thinking, and praying, and talking to my good friend/co-author/lil sis SL Danielson, and I managed to weather that storm. I'm feeling better, in fact I wrote some more on our ongoing second novel in a series we're doing (hope to get the first one accepted soon).

It's always darkest just before the dawn. How true that is. Things could be worse - also true. I believe in myself - as a writer and as a person. I will more than survive, I will thrive.

There is nothing so difficult that we cannot get past it, eliminate it, overcome it, and move on. Everything changes, nothing is static. I sent out a sub to an agent regarding Revelations, I hope to hear from her. I also subbed it to Tor - hearing from them would be awesome. I believe it will be published someday.

It's not easy to become a self-sufficient writer, especially in this economy, and especially when it seems like there are too many writers out there, and not enough readers. But I know in my heart that it's what I was meant to do. Writing is my destiny. And I'm going to keep at it until I can't write any more - hopefully until the day I die.

I have a lot of stories to tell, and I hope to tell them all, and then some. I will never give up, never surrender. I hope you all stick with me for the ride!

Tomorrow, a special Silver Flash - I have two stories to share! Come back and read them!

Until next time, take care!

Love and hugs to all of you!

♥ Julie

On Making It Happen

In today's episode of Queer as Folk, the big event has finally arrived - the wedding of Lindsay and Melanie! We've been following their relationship ever since the series began, the first episode having culminated in the birth of their beautiful baby boy Gus (whose biological father is infamous sex god Brian Kinney). And now comes the big day, so of course the path of true love and episodic television can never run smoothly, now can it?

Things start falling apart at the last minute, after a Tarot reading at a stagette party warns the two that this is not a good weekend to be married because Mercury is in retrograde: between a caterer and catering hall closed down for salmonella, engraved wedding rings lost by the jeweler, and a wedding dress inadvertently destroyed by the dry cleaner, nothing is going right! Lindsay is having panic attacks, the two brides are on their last nerve, and typically selfish Brian is vacating Pittsburgh for a free vacation in Miami rather than attending the wedding!

But we all know that it's always darkest before the dawn, right? Can anyone doubt that with a little willpower - or maybe a whole lot of willpower - and the desire to make it happen, that our two lovely brides will indeed have their big day? See for yourself!

I confess - I cried. But isn't that what weddings are for? Tears of joy and happiness?

That's what you call making it happen. Knowing what you want to occur, and making it work, no matter what the odds, or what you perceive to be the odds.

There's an old Burt Reynolds movie from 1981 called Paternity, about a man who wants a child but not a wife, so he hires a surrogate mother. Great movie, I've seen it many times; it's one of my favorite having a baby movies. In the film, there is a scene were Burt's character, Buddy, is explaining about wanting a child, and talking about a little boy he used to watch riding his bicycle up on a high area, where common sense would dictate that he would fall, but he never did, defying gravity. Until the day he actually learned about gravity. Buddy said he wanted to be there when his child learned about gravity. That always stuck with me. It says to me if you don't know that you aren't supposed to be able to do something, you can do it. Like the bumblebee. He's an aeronatically designed mess that should not be able to fly. And yet he does, because nobody ever told him he can't.

My theory is that if you want something badly enough, it doesn't matter who else thinks you can or can't do it - your belief can make it so. That's very true in writing. How many people say they couldn't possibly write a book? They're daunted by it all before they even get started, so they never start. But if you don't think of it as writing a book, but as telling a story, you can sit down and do it. One step at a time. Just make it happen.

Once upon a time, I wrote fanfiction. I was inspired to do so by my daughters. They were writing it, and having a great time, and I was jealous. I wanted to have that fun too. So I decided to do it, and not only that, I said I'd use the three of us as characters in my fanfiction. I was excited and enthusiastic, and sat down to write. Two pages later, I got stuck. That was depressing. Two pages in and I hit a brick wall? What kind of writer was I?

Not a very good one, I decided, cause I had no idea where to go or what to do. I felt like a failure. So I stopped for a few days. Through my head, I kept hearing music from a movie I was watching a lot of at the time - Moulin Rouge. Finally, the message got through to me, the one my subconscious was trying to convey. And suddenly I saw my story, so I began to write. And write. And write. When I reached to about a hundred pages, I suddenly realized that this wasn't a short story any more. And still I wrote. By the time I finished, I think it ran 232 pages, and I think that was single spaced, and it encompassed several fandoms. No, I can never publish it, of course. But voila! It was a book. I made it happen.

When I decided to write Dark Love, all those many years ago, my first non-fanfiction book, I had no idea where to start. I was daunted at the idea of writing a book, but determined to try. So I wrote a scene here, another scene there, and I began to let my ideas flow, and my characters grow, and because I wanted it to happen, I made it happen. I wanted to be published, which is a little trickier, because now you're talking about outside forces, ones you can't control. But I was determined, and at first I did not succeed, so I gave up for a number of years. But I decided to climb back in that saddle and ride again - and I made it happen, with the help of Silver Publishing. Dark Love was released this month, about 18 years after its birth.

You have to believe in yourself, and you have to be willing to work to make something happen. Some things are outside of your total control, but even so, you can influence them. If you don't try to make them happen, they never will. There is a great deal to be said for the power of positive thinking?

Am I sure? I'm positive!

Lindsay and Melanie may be fictional characters, but they are examples of making something happen. They didn't do it alone, they had the support of their family of friends. If you believe, you can do it. I can hear some of you now - but I wanted this, and I couldn't make it happen. Think about the things in your life that didn't happen. What happened instead? Sometimes we need to take a different path than the one we think we should be on, in order to follow the path that we want to take. Sometimes it's hard to see that, when you're being diverted to a new course. But keep on believing.

If you want it, you can make it happen. I truly believe that. Things do happen for a reason, whether we realize what that reason is. I believe in you - you can make it happen!

Let's take one last look at the happy couple:

Let me know what you think! Do you believe that anyone can make it happen? I'd love to hear from you!