Monday, March 18, 2013

Where's a Crystal Ball when you need one?

There's an old Styx song called Crystal Ball, from an album by the same name.

I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me
Or am I even in it's mind at all
Perhaps I'll get a chance to look ahead and see
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball

Tell me, tell me where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
Tell me, tell me, won't you tell me
And then tell me again

Wouldn't it be awesome to have such a device that could look into the future, so you'd know why the things that are happening today are happening? I definitely feel that everything happens for a reason. The trouble is that we don't always know that reason, and it's hard to understand why what appears to be a calamitous misfortune today is actually for the best. If we could peer into the future and see why it needs to happen, it would be easier to take.

But we can't.

That's where faith comes in. Faith in yourself, in a higher power (by whatever name you wish to call it), faith in those you love, faith in the path you walk. They say that faith can move mountains. I believe that's true.

It's been a rocky couple of years, I admit, since I was unjustly fired by my brother, but I'm still here, I'm still going, and I certainly haven't given up. I believe that what happened was for the best, although it was painful. Do I wish bad things to happen to my brother? Honestly, sometimes I do. I'm no saint. I get angry with him and wish him to be visited by all manners of troubles because of what he did. Not that I've seen or talked to him since. Or any other member of my family, other than my children. Well, four of my children. The fifth is closer to the others than I am. So be it. I have four children that love and support me. I am indeed blessed.

Would I ever do anything to  harm my unjust brother? In the name of vengeance or divine retribution or anything else? No, I wouldn't. That isn't for me to do. That belongs to someone else. I remember telling my first husband, who was an abusive alcoholic, that someday he would get what was coming to him but it wouldn't be from me. And he did - he got into an argument with the next door neighbor and was shot and killed. It doesn't get more serious than that.

I have enough to do keeping myself on course without worrying about people who aren't even part of my life any more. I am too busy being thankful for what I do have to worry about what I don't have. I don't have a perfect life, but who does? I have a good life, with good people in it. My kids, my friends, the people that I've met thanks to the Internet. My characters. Yes, they're a big part of my life too, and they are very real to me. 

Whenever I think that I don't live in a great house, I stop and remember there are people who would love to live in my house, eat what I eat, because they have far less. I am grateful for what I have, and for the life I lead. And for my ability to write, which is a blessing.

Still, it would be helpful to have that crystal ball, so I could see how the story will play out, so I will know that better times are coming. Alas, I don't have it, so I have to have faith. I think I understand why I'm still in the house I've lived in for the past thirty-five years - if I'd gotten a new, better  house, with a bigger mortgage payment, I'd have lost it when I became unemployed. Only my ridiculously low mortgage has helped to keep me afloat. And the generosity of some of the people in my life. For what I pay on my house, I couldn't even rent a garage, so I am grateful for that. And someday, I feel that I will be able to move to another house, maybe another area. That remains to be seen. It would be nice to experience life somewhere else. On the other hand, there's a lot to be said for familiarity.

I'm thankful for my four children and my two cats. Grateful to be in reasonably good health - there are people far worse off, who cannot do the things that I do. I can get around when I choose, drive my car - walk on my own power, see what there is to see, listen to wonderful music. Many cannot. I look at the world around me and think it's a beautiful place.

So, with or without that crystal ball, I'm moving forward, taking each day as it comes. I'm heading to the future, and it's going to be a good one! Thank you to everyone who is making the journey with me, may all our paths be happy ones.

Until next time, take care!

♥ Julie

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